Steve Jobs, you will be missed,...

It's not everyday we lose a visionary, in the truest sense of the word. Say what you will about Apple, but Steve Jobs took a faltering company, instilled his vision, and created something far beyond a success. His vision, his drive, his tenacity helped to drive Apple to the pinnacle of the business world. I wish I had the opportunity to have met him. He has left us now, his body free from the disease that took him from us. He is no longer in pain, he no longer suffers. He is free. We have lost the visionary, pray we, as a society, never lose the vision.  Steve Jobs, thank you for your gifts, your genius and your vision will be sorely missed,....

Fear Of The Known

Was an interesting weekend. Went to a party and didn't get home 'till 4am. Yeah, I know, but I had fun, so stop it. But the weekend offered me a glimpse into how far I have come, and have to go.

I've been a bit depressed for the past few days. I'm seeing so many friends finding people to meet and date, fall in love with, things like that. Please understand, I am very happy for my friends, I want only the best for them, and for them to find happiness. I guess that I'm realizing that I am, well, I'm lonely. I used to differentiate between alone and lonely. Not anymore. I'm both. The reason I bring this up is because I'm not only realizing it, I'm getting out more, trying to meet more people, trying not to be lonely. It got me to thinking about other decisions I had made back when I was not well, wondering if I was trying to find my way, or running from something,....

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking this weekend. Trying to answer the big questions; am I happy where I am, doing what I'm doing. I know it's my decision to be where I am, and to do what I do, but it's also my decision to be happy, too. I know I want to move back to California, I just miss it so much. Of course, I would miss my family, and they would miss me (or at least I hope they would; that's a small joke, please move on). But when I was back in California last year, I was happy, being around my friends, being in California, visiting Idyllwild, everything. But, I convinced myself that for some reason or another, this situation was what it was. I know now that I need to take steps and make steps to change this, if it is that important to me; I now know that it is.

I've been confused these past few days, and feeling sorry for myself, which helps to make me more depressed. But, for me, this is where it gets scary. Through all of this, I heard a voice in the back of my mind. It just kept bugging me, beckoning me......"Why don't you just go back to the way it was? You didn't care if you were alone, it didn't hurt to be alone, it was fine. Come on back, all you need to do is come back. It's easier, it's comfortable, you know this. Come back, just come back,...."

And I thought, it was easier, comfortable, known. I didn't care if someone could ever love me again, or find me attractive, any of that. It was a comfortable place to be. I could see the draw, the seduction of where I was. How much simpler it was. And then, another thought entered my head with the strength of a Mack Truck hitting you right in the face;

"ARE YOU F%&KING NUTS?!? OH, HELL NO!!"

I thought about the progress I have made. How much better I felt. How my friends and family were so proud of me, as I was of myself. The good decisions I have made, and continue to make. The changes I have made for the better. I realized that it won't all happen at once. I also remembered what my sister told me after that day in the hospital, when I became unresponsive and scared everyone; "If you ever scare me like that again, I will stand on that hospital bed and kick you in the face until you wake up!!' I still don't know how she would do that, but she assures me she can. Motivation, indeed....

So, there I was. I had faced my greatest new fear. I was afraid that I would make all of these positive changes, only to regress. I made a vow to my family, my friends, and myself, that I would NEVER go back to that. And, I meant it. I'm sure this will happen again. And I will remember this weekend, and the feeling that I had. And I will remember that the things that depressed me will haunt me, but I will defeat those feelings , with God's help, and my determination.

What really scared me about this was I actually considered reverting. So, I took some time to chat, text, visit friends, and it was good. I was also testing the waters of finding a deeper relationship; that didn't go so well, but I learned something about myself. My friend's happiness means so much to me. It can't be defined with words, just a feeling. That's my role right now, that's what I have to get better at. Being there for people, helping, caring. My time will come. More importantly, I found that when I care for others, I care for myself. It works hand in hand. When they get better, I get better. Granted, I would like more, but it's the Big Guy's way of saying that I'm not ready yet. But, I feel He is getting me ready for that special someone. For now, I must embrace that and own it. When it's my time, it will be right. Just have to be patient,...

It sucks to be lonely. I don't wish this on anyone, myself included. My heart was hurting all weekend long because of lonliness. Yes, I am lonely. I admit that. But, I cannot let that lead me to bad decisions. Yes, my heart will continue to break, but I am around to pick up the pieces and heal. I stated once, I will state again; given the choice, I would much rather have a heart that will break than a heart that will never feel.

Okay, I feel much better now. So, how was your weekend?